I'm twisted in a mess of ribbons,
Colors of blue, black, brown, and green.
Together they make RED
And a color of hurt you've never seen.
Please someone wash the pain away
Because even in a flood of tears,
I can't drown this pain.
*********************************
Pain can be engulfing, consuming. It washes over you wave upon wave and pulls you under. When you most need to fight, to just tread water, your limbs feel heavy and you sink. You panic-gasping for air, trying to save yourself by denial, self-isolation, risk taking, substance abuse, overeating, promiscuity, sleeping, self-harm, anything to lessen the pain.
In this well of desperation, thinking of the future becomes physically painful. It burns from within and yet freezes you in place. In the confliction, you imagine treading water in this hole forever. You despair at the impossibility of living in this amount of pain while having to make decisions, go to work, clean your house, and go through the motions of life.
This is the kind of moment you need a good mother in-law, because she says, "This too shall pass." The truth is that you will not feel this way forever, next year, next month, or next week. Hell, you'll not feel this exact way tomorrow. Each day that passes will ease some pain. You cannot remain in the same place in the ocean. Each second washes anew.
Fighting pain is like trying to control waves. No matter how much energy you exert trying to stop them, they will continue to roll. The only choice you have is how you allow the wave to wash over you. Swim at it, under it, surf it, or just let it pull you up and set you down. It feels counter-intuitive, but the easiest way seems to be swimming deeper. Get further out into it and then let go and allow the wave to move you. It will draw you up and then set you back down again. When you stop fighting it and become part of it, giving yourself over, there is a gentleness and peace in the wave.
There is reason to fear the force of the wave, but there should also be awe. Being swept up in a wave of emotion is to touch something greater than yourself. Fear anchors you in reality. The fear reminds you of your fragility as a human. It teaches you what feels good and what feels bad to you. It forces you to take an inventory of who you are in this moment.
Hopefully, you'll see that the only one in your exact place in the ocean is you. It is terrifying to realize that you are the one who must swim for you. It's the existential crisis we all face, but you are not alone in the realization that you are alone. It's okay, though, because you alone are enough.
You're enough.
And this too shall pass.
Keep swimming.
